Advertisement

Customize
About this Journal
Current Month
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031
Jul. 3rd, 2007 @ 11:12 am love vs hate
have you ever loved someone so much you hated them for it
have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to strangle every last breath out them just to have an excuse to be that close to them and touch them? i've heard it said that there is a thin line between love and hate, i've never really understood or had to endure it, until now. i dont know what to do, luckily the first step is taken, its all out in the open and i can start to move on or try to hang on. and i'm not sure which, love and hatred are too closely related i think, i'm starting to realize that i hate her so much because i love her so much, and i care about her so much and because i'm too good at using my "overprotectiveness" to cover up what it really is, jealousy. pure and unadulterated jealousy. and i hate her for it, i love her too much.
About this Entry
warrior for peace
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 16th, 2007 @ 03:43 pm (no subject)
Current Music: I Can't be Your Friend -- rushlow
if only i could get up the guts to say this to her, or should i even?


This might come as quite a shock
But I've given it a lot of thought
This thing that's come between us can't be ignored

I've taken all I've can
This is where it's gotta end
Cause I can't be your friend anymore

And I can't be accused
Of not being there for you
How many nights have you shown up at my door

I hope you understand
That this wasn't in my plans
But I can't be your friend anymore

(Chorus)
And it's killing me to know you
Without having the chance to hold you
And all I want to do is show you
How I really feel inside
You can run to me
You can laugh at me
Or you can walk right out that door
But I can't be your friend anymore

So baby now it's up to you
Do I win or do I lose
Will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor

Well take me as I am
Cause I want to be your man
But I can't be your friend anymore

(Chorus)
And it's killing me to know you
Without having the chance to hold you
And all I want to do is show you
How I really feel inside
You can run to me
You can laugh at me
Or you can walk right out that door
But I can't be just friends anymore

We can't be just friends anymore
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 16th, 2007 @ 01:00 pm (no subject)
i hate this, i've fallen in love with her, and i know she doesnt feel the same way, we're really close, i can talk to her about anything, she's the only perosn i can actually talk to and i cant talk about this, the one thing i really need to talk about, this really seems like an incoherent rambling, i just cant put it into words, i dont want to like her anymore, but if i stay friends with her i dont think that will happen, but i cant stop being frineds with her, i dont want to, i need her. but lately i feel like i'm getting, i dont know, snubbed? for lack of a better term, just like i'm not getting, i dont know, its so hard to put into words, i hate it. its tearing me up inside and its gonna kill me, but i cant do anything about it. can i? what can i do? i need help. it's gonna kill me.
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 7th, 2007 @ 11:40 pm i hate everything
Current Mood: depressed, confused, pissed
Current Music: Journey
isnt there just a thin line between love and hate, is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time, i think its not that i hate her, i think its that i hate myself for loving her, for loving someone in a way that doesnt reciprocate. i know she loves me, i also, unfortunately, know that she doesnt love me in the same way i love her, and i'm fairly certain that she never could, i dont know why, i dont know whats wrong with me, nothing according to her, words say one thing, feelings say another though. i'm really starting to hate everything, work, people, friends, work again, myself mainly. i just wish that everything was different, sad to say i wish i had never stumbled on this depressingly amazing relationship. it's nice to be able to be that close to her, but its also agonizingly painful to be that close and not be able to have the little bit more that would be so great, could have so much potential. i just hate everything, i need a shell to crawl into. i need something i cant discern and i want something i cant and probably shouldnt have.

i heard someone say that your attitude will determine your hapiness, this person was always happy i take it, because i've tried putting on a happy face in the midst of all this turmoil. and, yet, ironically, it hasnt worked, all its done is push me deeper, further away from the tomultous surface. when will it all end, when will the despair subside, when will the dawn break on this darkest of nights?
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Mar. 17th, 2007 @ 01:36 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: boredom
Current Music: nodda
well, its been so long since i've posted, mainly because nothing big has happened. work, poker, and sitting around the house is all that i do, and i only do poker once a week so lifes not all too exciting but anyhow, yeah, thats about it.
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Feb. 10th, 2007 @ 08:48 pm (no subject)
well i'm back from LA, it was a fun time, saw some friends, missed some others, but either way, i had a good time. visited most of the places i wanted. it was fun, as you can see, i'm not too talkative now, maybe i'll write more later.
About this Entry
warrior for peace
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 26th, 2007 @ 08:54 pm kids are a gift from below
well, i'm better off now, Leesa and I both agree that I need to start going to sandpoint more often, maybe i can strike up something with liz, who knows. but yeah, i'm doing good, working, and barely able to contain myself, one week, ONE WEEK!!! i'm so effing excited!!!! but yeah. the love life needs a little boost, but other than that i'm doing okay.

outside the world is dark
outside the life is ending
outside the love is black
outside the air is frozen

inside the fire is warm
inside the feeling is safe
inside the mind is sane
inside the power is real

inside is where i am
outside, outside is where i'm going
About this Entry
warrior for knowledge
5 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 21st, 2007 @ 05:41 pm what i need
Current Mood: suck it
Current Music: TV droning
what i need, HA! if there were enough paper in this world to compose my needs on we'd be deforested. i'm ranting because, well i dont know why. i was at work all day, and at work i get to put on a happy face. get to put on my best show, my best act. i'm a star, on my own fucking pathetic stage. i'm just tired of unhappiness, but then again, arent we all? arent we all fed up with life? who knows what or why life puts us through all this. either way, i'm really tired of the lonliness. i get close, and i'm shut down. i find a new development, but they're too far away, one way or another, it doesnt work. although part of me is glad this last one didnt work out. she said "she'd be bad for me" she's "not good in relationships" she's probably right. who knows.

when will this all end
when will i fade to black
i want my heart back
i want my heart back
About this Entry
warrior for compassion
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 20th, 2007 @ 02:31 am (no subject)
lonliness is the mother of all bad decisions
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 18th, 2007 @ 07:19 pm sea of blood part 2
Current Mood: despair
the sea of blood fades to a mere puddle behind the man, deciding that this sea had too many hardships, and a definate chance of drowning, the man has moved on. growth? fear of being burned? or an utterly despairing act of giving up on life? only the man can no, only the man can find out. what lies ahead on this path? what seas will present themselves in the future? one cannot know, one cannot dertermine. but, hopefully, this
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 17th, 2007 @ 07:50 pm the sea of blood
Current Mood: guilty
a man stands on the shores of a sea of red. the red stretches as far as the man can see, dwarfing him and overwhelming him with a sense of dread. is this a sea of love, a sea of hatred or, worst of all, a sea of blood? the blood of another life ruined at his hands. terror grips his heart and soul at the thought of this person, and as he realizes that this sea is of blood. and that the heartache will not subside, will not reprieve. is it too much to ask for? is it too much to need someone, to find someone who wont present him with such an unsurmountable task as this sea of blood, as all the others have? will this man, this now hollow shell of a man, have the strength to cross this sea and claim his prize, and reach the goal waiting at the other end. or will he drown during his long swim, having to start all over again, just as he did last time?
About this Entry
warrior for compassion
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 5th, 2007 @ 11:34 am umm . . .
Current Mood: twitterpated
Current Music: tv (good eats with Alton Brown to be exact)
so yeah, there is a new romantic interest, all is well and good, its just flirting right now, but who knows where it will go, i'm happy with just the flirting for now, but we're going along. its about time, its actually really helped me take my mind off my ex and helped me to move on from that whole thing. work is just work, but since sammy is there it makes it my day brighter and much more fun. so other than that, i'm really looking forward to coming down there, less than a month! woo hoo! not much else to report.
About this Entry
warrior for peace
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 31st, 2006 @ 01:36 pm (no subject)
possibly a new girl on the radar, knowing you guys, let the chomo/ryan bashing begin
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 27th, 2006 @ 03:49 am crab grass and herpes
Current Location: home
Current Mood: but not puking
Current Music: complete, all consuming silence
42 days! i'm actually looking forward to this trip more than anything else at all right now, literally, so it better be a good one god damnit! in other news, Ryan's got a serious girl problem, a conundrum is probably a better word. i seem to have made a soft spot in me heart that i probably shouldnt be having any spots in my heart, but well, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, about the topics discussed here please feel free to comment or call or drive over to my house and leave a binary file on my door (yes, andy, i know what a binary file is, thats the lame, drunken joke)

as if you guys couldnt tell that i'm a little "under the weather" and by weather, i mean influence
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
5 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:37 am monotony
Current Location: home
Current Mood: fucking blah
Current Music: my own droning head voices
an extremely bad day coupled with having to manage (well lets call it what it really is, babysit!) a bunch of useless, moronic teenagers at work, or "the place where i go to get paid for doing nothing" as they should be calling it, makes ryan too tired to post in his livejournal, maybe tomorrow i'll post a full update as to the goings on in my life right now, not that that will take all that long.
About this Entry
warrior for peace
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 8th, 2006 @ 03:19 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: last phrase of the blog says i
havent been on in a while, guess working 50+ hrs a week will do that. more to come, update: still in a heartbroke state of self-hatred.
About this Entry
warrior for peace
6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Nov. 20th, 2006 @ 07:39 pm the end is near
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: droning TV
i hate myself, most of my life is comlpetely content. i have a great job, which i'm "climbing the ladder" so to speak, another side business thats really starting to take off and i'm not doing bad financially, i have a decent amount of really good friends. and yet, despite all this, the one thing that i want, no, i must get out of my mind i cant. i hate myself for not being able to get over this, it was four fucking months, not all that long, and still i cant even go a day or two without crying or wanting to throw myself from something high. i dont know why, but i cant let go, i want to, its even starting to effect me at work, i'm getting crabbier, snappier, and just plain bitchier. part of that is overworking, but it wouldnt be a problem if i could just get some closure or something. i dont know what i need, but i've found out that seeing the bottom of bottle after bottle isnt helping. and what ever i need, i need it now.
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Nov. 8th, 2006 @ 08:26 pm my dearest
Current Mood: fuck
Current Music: none
this post is to emily, after a (and i actually checked the time in the call log) 2hrs 57min and 21sec i have come to the conclusion that i am in fact not god, we had a really good, mutually beneficial conversation covering a huge range of things, emily i'm so greatful to have a friend like you, i'm greatful for all my friends really, especially you em. and you need to call me when you're in town so we can hang out! love ya girl, and hang in there. ;-)

ps.-i need your mailing address
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 29th, 2006 @ 01:38 am welcome to graceland
Current Mood: eh
so i officially bought my plane tickets today! hooray for that. i will be landing at John Wayne airport on feb. 3rd at 12:45pm. that means that rucker and heather better be there for a little bit at least, because if i dont see you i'm gonna shit a brick, and then mail it to you, and no one likes a stinky shit covered brick being sent via post! but yeah, i am there for a week because i get a weeks paid vacation from work and i figured what better way to spend it than hanging out with my friends that i havent seen in a year and a half. so get ready cause here i come!

ps- emily if your reading this then you havent forgotten about me, miss ya kid, hang in there, college only sucks until you graduate, . . . wait that was supposed to be encouraging, i forget how though. any way love and miss ya!
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:14 pm Q&A
Current Music: William Shatner Sex Tape
All credit goes to Zach on this one, you have out done yourself man!


Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
About this Entry
warrior for the despaired
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link